Putin looks into a mirror and gives himself a pep talk

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"You are wonderful world leader.

Everything is going great.

You have about one excellent idea a minute.

Do not listen to international press about Sochi. It is not your problem if dead dogs and anti-gay rhetoric do not bring out a festive spirit in some people.

Also, do not listen to international press about hotels. If an athlete cannot handle a dark bathroom, some questionable water, and depressing broken curtain rods, then he is not fit to ski on our possibly treacherous slopestyle course! Okay?!

That is a great tie you are wearing. It says, “Powerful,” “Manly,” “Reasonable,” “Does a painting now and then” All of which is true!

But I mean, Sochi is becoming major thorn in my haunch. I should listen to Grigory. He says, “Vlad, Sochi is going to be robust success, like everything else.” I say, “Whaaaaaaaaaat, Grigory.” He says, “Is true.” I say, “Okay, okay, you’re probably right.”

I say, “Grigory, what should I hold in ice sculpture of myself? A pitcher? A wooden spoon? Some arrows?” He says, “Vlad, just be yourself.” I say, “Okay so fine I will hold huge lightening bolt emanating from my crotch.”

Sochi will be glorious, I know it will. Because I put my personal stamp on it! Well, you know, technically, it is my thing.

My goodness, I have re-assuring jaw line. And these sunglasses I am wearing are the best. Suddenly I am appearing to myself as if I am Air Wolf! I think it could be so.

I mean, these people, crying about the water and the gays and the dead dogs. I say, “Cry your tears into a basket! Send it down the river to one who cares!”

As if I don’t have enough to worry about with these Pussy Riots. Always making waves. I am completely relaxed about it! I say, go to the US, have a mini-soda. Never come back! Okay now I squeeze foam stress ball one million times.

Now I straighten my tie. Perhaps I will enter myself in competition and sweep all of the golden medals. It would be so possible.

I am calm. I am collected. Like Siberian goose. Also like Siberian goose: I have no scruples!

Let the games begin."

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