This is satire, mostly. For more GlobalPost satire, click here.
1. Pritchard Adult Diapers
Elegance. Form. Poise. Whether you’re on the ice, or in the boardroom, adult incontinence is never convenient. That’s why Pritchard Adult Diapers are the choice for the mature Olympian in you.
2. Vague Silver Picture Frames
Looking for the perfect present for the Olympian in your life? Try a Vague Silver Picture Frame. They’re bland, inoffensive, and “qualify” as a gift. Vague Silver Picture Frames, just the kind of thing an achievement-oriented person might want!
3. Luigi's Famous
And the winner gets … a pizza bagel?! (record scratch sound). That’s right, reward yourself for doing jack-sh*t all day with Luigi’s Famous Pizza Bagels. Available in the frozen aisle.
4. Wemberly Writing Instruments
How does one achieve greatness? How does one write their way to success, whether it’s on the field, or the slopestyle course? With a great pen. So go ahead and get a great pen! Wemberly Writing Instruments. “They’re Great Pens.”
5. Wexell, Grandom, Smithfield, and Kline
Here at Wexell, Grandom, Smithfeild, and Kline, we know the value of teamwork. We understand the pursuit of perfection, and what it takes to achieve the imprimatur of excellence. You probably can’t tell what exactly we do, and here at Wexell, Grandom, Smithfeild, and Kline, neither can we.
Not many people will see the inside of an Olympic Stadium, especially when they have a crippling case of psoriasis. When you have crippling psoriasis, itching, flaking, and redness can impede your speed, and disgust your teammates. So treat your symptoms with one convenient ointment — Dermasalve. For your crippling psoriasis.
7. Dempsy Oats
Triple axel? Double Salchow? Half-pipe? Here at Dempsy Oats, we don’t know, and we don’t care. Real oats. Real simple. Real people. Real ignorant.
Do you feel down? Depressed? Like there’s no point in getting out of bed? Do you constantly feel like you’re coming in fourth? Ask your doctor about Ablelexa. Ablelexa, for when you’re feeling fourth-y.
You’re passing people, left and right. You’re focused, streamlined. It comes down to this, the last sprint … before you get to the toilet in time. Go for the gold in terms of not crapping your pants, with Paxin-Jansil’s Anti-Diarrheal.