Lifestyle & Belief

Lumiere the Candlestick flips out over double-booked dinners for Obama and Putin



Marco Zanferrari

This is satire, mostly. For more GlobalPost satire, click here.

Lumière flipped out Tuesday over the news that both US President Barack Obama and Russian President Vladimir Putin were scheduled to have dinner with French President Francois Hollande on the same night, but at different times, to avoid awkwardness due to tensions over Ukraine. The dinners, taking place at the Elysée Palace are spaced out only two hours apart, creating a logistical nightmare for the normally dapper candlestick.

“When I say, ‘Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to ze test,’ zis is not what I mean!” he said, standing on top of a cabinet, the wick on his head involuntarily sparking into a small flame. “That’s how you know he’s really upset,” said Cogsworth, the clock, who accompanied Lumière when they were asked to leave their posts at a country-side castle to come and serve the French president.

The candlestick could be seen marching up and down rows of dishes and cutlery, who were all standing at attention, flailing his little brass arms around in great consternation. “Oh well,” he said later, slumping against the leg of a table. “Whoever goes second will just have to suck ze hind tit.”

“It’s going to be a looooooong night,” said Cogsworth.