The existence of this newly discovered species of eel, Protoanguilla palau, dates back 200 million years.
Credit: Jiro Sakaue

An Auckland man reported to an emergency room this week with an embarassing prediciment: he had an eel stuck up his rump.

The Kiwi man, according to the New Zealand Herald, was sent off for x-rays and a body scan, which revealed (as he had explained) that he did indeed have a rather small eel lodged snugly in his rectum.

According to the Herald, the man was, perhaps understandably, decidely reluctant to reveal how exactly he'd found himself in such a compromising position with a slimy creature. 

New Zealand's eels are known for their secretive nature and their fondness for dark and confined spaces, according to New Zealand's Department of Conservation.

They're also considered "legendary climbers," which "have made their way well inland." Extrapolate from that what you will. 

"The eel was about the size of a sprig of asparagus and the incident is the talk of the place," a hospital representative said to the New Zealand Herald.

"Doctors and nurses have come across people with strange objects that they have got stuck where they shouldn't be before, but an eel has to be a first."

If this story sounds unlikely, it apparantly isn't: the New Zealand Health Board, likely grudgingly, confirmed that this incident indeed took place to the media yesterday, says And probably wishes we'd all shut up about it. 

Let us hope an invasion of especially touchy-feely eels isn't afoot in New Zealand. That would be terrible. 

If you do want your dreams to be haunted—especially if you're a guy—read up on the curious candiru catfish, an Amazon-dwelling creature that is internationally famous for swimming up the urethas of unsuspecting male swimmers. And getting stuck there. 

I am also sad to report that this isn't even a unique incident: last year, a Chinese man undergoing a skin treatment involving bathing with live eels (as one does) had one of the slender creatures swim into his penis and enter his bladder, according to Ow ow ow ow. 

Whenever you think you're having a bad day, gentlemen, remember: you don't have any marine animals dwelling in your nether regions. It's basically Christmas every day. 

Here's a video of River Monsters star Jeremy Wade offering himself up to agitated New Zealand eels. Apparantly, he has no idea what kind of danger he actually was in.

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