Like a virgin. Over and over and over.
Credit: 18 Again

Ladies and gentlemen, 18 Again is a vaginal brightening and rejuvenation cream.

A so-called “vaginal shrink” cream.

If you have never heard the term “vaginal rejuvenation,” or “vaginal shrink” for that matter, used casually in a sentence until today, you are probably old. Or you haven't read the Indian website Jagran Sahki where I found this little gem of a story.

The good news is, there’s this great new cream for you!

I wish I was there when the board of directors of the pharmaceutical company Ultra Tech India was approving the marketing campaign for this new magical cream.

First of all, how did they come up with the name “18 Again”?

Why 18? Is it because they felt 15 was too young (read: difficult to market globally without publicly endorsing pedophilia), while 22 is way too old (read: difficult to market in countries where women have several children by that age)?

Yet, the name isn‘t nearly the most bizarre thing about the product.

You’ll get my point when you check out the commercial:

Yes, the whole ad revolves around a Madonna-esque: “I feel like a virgin” slogan. Which, apparently, from the looks of the ecstatic woman dancing seductively in a red sari, is a feeling women crave, or at least should crave.

In case you are still not getting it, the idea behind the cream is that the cream makes a woman’s vagina tighter, hence she can get the privilege of feeling like she’s losing her virginity every day. Over and over.

Here’s what I’d like to ask Ultra Tech.

Why exactly is this product marketed to women? Shouldn’t it, perhaps, be marketed to men? I can see why men might enjoy the “virginal feel of an 18-year-old” and why they might try to convince their ladies to use it, but why on earth should women like it?

No woman in her right mind — not even the ones in 50 Shades of Grey — would volunteer to buy a product that would make her feel like she’s being deflowered every day of her life. Not by her very same old husband!

Marketing a vaginal tightening cream to women “because it’ll make them feel great” is a bit like marketing vibrators to men. I’d like to see Ultra Tech in charge of that campaign: “Men, you’ll feel like 18-year-old stallions again when you watch her orgasm with our new, powerful Orgasmatron 7.0.”

Somehow, I don’t see that happening. Definitely not in India.

Then again, I never thought I would see two breakthrough vaginal rejuvenation products — first the brightening cream and now its tightening counterpart — coming out of India, either.

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