Kim Jong Un married: Where’s the honeymoon?

North Korea's state media aren't ones for romance. Their announcement, earlier today, that Kim Jong Un was married was everything you'd expect from the non-free press: brief, functional, and entirely unexplained.

So suffice it to say that details about the dictatorial wedding of the year are scant. We don't know when it was, where, with whom – and we sure as heckfire don't have any photos.

Allow us, then, to indulge in a spot of speculation about what the happy couple – presumably – will do next: the honeymoon. 

Here are our suggestions for the top five destinations where the unelected ruler we love to watch could take his bride.

1: North Korea

We all know how much Kim men like looking at things, and it seems there is an ever growing number of things to look at in North Korea itself.

The first reports of Kim Jong Un's marriage, for instance, had him and his wife touring a newly opened amusement park. According to the Korean Central News Agency, similar "pleasure grounds" are springing up all over Pyongyang.

If they're anything like the Rungna People's Pleasure Ground, which KCNA described Kim visiting earlier this week, the couple is in for a good time. The park apparently boasts a mini golf course, basketball and volleyball courts, pool and dolphinarium, where Kim "enjoyed such feats of dolphins as dancing in rotation, moving backward, jumping out and touching ball in the air." Who wouldn't?

Don't just take the state media's word for it: Unique Honeymoon magazine recommends the "North Korea Kim Il Sung Centenary Classic Tour 2012" to adventurous newlyweds, who can look forward to such sights as the "flamboyant" capital city and International Friendship Exhibition – "which needs to be seen to be believed."

At one point, North Korea's tourist office even ran its own group honeymoon tour, which according to the Associated Press included visits to a maternity hospital (?), kindergarten (??), irrigation dam (???), and the childhood homes of Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il.

But perhaps the new Kim on the block wants to go further afield. Which takes us to our next suggestion…

2: South Korea

Now, we admit, this one's a little left-field. North Korea routinely denies visas to South Koreans; when it admitted a delegation of mourners after the death of Kim Jong Il, that was a pretty big deal.

So for North Korea's Outstanding Leader to travel to the South on his honeymoon would be, basically, huge. What greater proof that the third Kim is, as rumored, open to reform? (His uncle and close advisor, Jang Song Taek, by the way, has visited South Korea.) 

Of course, we're not seriously expecting to see Kim Jong Un in Seoul airport's arrivals lounge any time soon. Partly because he hates the muzak. Partly because all those politics could get way boring for Mrs Kim. If it's fun she's after, we recommend…

3: Disneyland

We know that Mickey Mouse has happy associations for the couple. They had one of their first public dates at a concert Mickey gave in Pyongyang, earlier this month.

GlobalPost reported it thus: 

Mickey was joined by his beau Minnie Mouse, Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, and other famous animated characters, who performed for North Korea's leader and citizens while "Snow White," "Dumbo," "Beauty and the Beast" and other Disney movies played on a backdrop behind them.

Now, that performance was strictly not authorized by the Walt Disney Company. But we'd bet they'd be willing to overlook it if the Kims booked themselves a honeymoon package at one of their resorts.

That said, the sight of all those round, black ears might bring back bad memories for Kim. His older brother, Kim Jong Nam, fell into disgrace after he was caught trying to enter Japan on a fake Dominican Republic passport, in order, he said, to visit Tokyo Disneyland.

4: United States

So the US and North Korea are still "technically" at war. Since when did that stand in the way of true love?

We're talking, of course, about Kim's passion for America. And for one American in particular: Michael Jordan. Former classmates at the school the adolescent Kim attended in Bern, Switzerland, remember him spending long hours outside class "doing meticulous pencil drawings" of the then Chicago Bulls superstar. 

Wouldn't you know, but Jordan got engaged to his girlfriend last December. The gossips reliably inform us that no wedding date has yet been set. No pressure, Michael, but can't you do a quicky in Reno and set the stage for the hands-down best double honeymoon the world has ever seen?

Assuming that Jordan says no, there's one obvious option remaining. 

5: China

Yes, China: historically, "North Korea's most important ally; biggest trading partner; and main source of food, arms, and fuel," as the Council on Foreign Relations puts it. Communist states, famously, stick together.

Admittedly, those aren't most people's criteria for choosing a honeymoon spot. So how about this for a reason: China is the happiest place in the world.

Really, it is. According to North Korean government research, at least, which lists other especially content countries as Cuba, Venezuela and Iran.

But the second happiest, says North Korea? North Korea.