A scene from Dubya’s Thanksgiving
Scene: Prairie Chapel Ranch, Crawford, Texas. Arrayed around a crowded dining room table are members of the extended Bush family, including former President George W. Bush, his wife, the former First Lady Laura Bush, his brother, the former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, and Jeb’s wife Columba, and assorted members of the younger generation of the family.
George W. Bush is seated at one end of the table, and his father, the former President George H.W. Bush, is at the other with the former First Lady Barbara Bush, seated to his right. The table groans with the bounty of the holiday — a smoked ham, sliced bread, cranberry dressing, gravy boats, various vegetable dishes including the family’s traditional green beans with anchovy butter. Wine glasses are full, though George W. is drinking Diet Coke. The sound of tinkering in the kitchen is heard faintly in the distance, along with the tinny sound of a televised football game.
A servant enters with a platter containing sliced turkey, and the diners applaud as it is set in the middle of the table.
Laura (standing): Well, I would like to welcome everyone home to Crawford again, and in keeping with our family tradition, I’m going to ask the man of the family to say grace.
George H.W. Bush (standing with some difficulty): “Well, thank you Laura. I’d be happy to …”
Dubya (jumping to his feet): Now Papi, sit yerself down there. You may be my daddy, but there’s only one grace sayer in these parts, and I’m the grace sayer.
Barbara Bush (tugging at her husband’s jacket): Papi, don’t be a show off. You know how sensitive Dubya is.
George H.W. (grumbling): Let him … his house … no interest in usurping … martini glass.
Dubya: Now, I’ll get on with it. Dearest Lord, we humbly bequeath you to bless my assemblaged loved ones, these folks who are family and your servants of Jesus and all his other heavenly officials.
Jeb (nudging his wife): Jeez, here we go again …
Dubya shoots a look at his brother, then continues.
Dubya: Back to you now, God. I was sayin’, that it is a fine thing to give thanksgiving to you for so many things that are good, good things which good people have worked good and hard to make good. And so we’re here to say, ah, thanks, for so many things. And I have written a list of these things, a blessed list, I called it, and let me just see where it’s got to … (digging into his pockets). Yep, here ‘tis.
Now, firstmost, I want to thank you for saving the financial capital system and the banks and such, which you know I did my utmost for. It was a real coup in my cap, I think, and I thank you for giving me the chance to fix that whole financial thing before leaving office, because God knows … (he pauses) well, I mean, you know, I suppose, what would have happened if that had happened during Barack Hussein’s watch. The guy destroyed the whole economicalized monetary landscape. And that gets me to another point …
Thank you, oh charitified Lord, for the gift of a liberal guy with an Islamic name winning the presidency after me, which I think has made it clear just how much it was better with me running things.
Number four — that Dick Cheney — hmm. That’s all it says here. Lemme think. I guess I’ll come back to that.
Next, I want to thank you for all the lives I was able to give for my country, the men and women of the armed forces who I bravely sent to fight evil doers. Barack is muckin’ it all up now — you just watch how quick Iraq goes south when our boys leave. But I’ll always be grateful for the many turkeys I was able to fly into Baghdad, and for the little lock of Saddam’s hair on my fireplace mantel.
Oh, Cheney! I remember. Thank you, humble Lord, for Dick Cheney, because he’s also making people miss me now that he’s out of hiding and on TV all the time and sounding nutty and such, and with all that grimacing (turning to Laura). He was scary, that man.
Laura (taking his hand): Yes, dear, very scary.
Dubya: And another thing, God, which you know in your infantite wisdom was actually my idea, that Afghanistan war. Huh, they’re surging there, right? Well, who surged first? The decider did, that’s who. And as the decider-in-chief, I’m asking you, God, the enablizer-in-chief, to accept my thanks for giving me the chance to teach America what a surge is. It’s a good word, and it’s better than crusade, which I still think is a fine word, too, but the damned liberals get all upset about it, and so did Mubarak and all them other Arabs. Touchy folk, them Arabs.
And, with a nod to my bro … (looking at Jeb) the Bush family offers up a prayer for the great state of Florida and all them Cubans and Seminoles and Gators who voted for me in 2000 — and also to those accidental Pat Buchanan voters in Palm Beach County, and, of course, the great justices of the United States Supreme Court.
(Jeb rises to take a bow; polite applause all around.)
Dubya: One more thing, God. In concussion, I want to say that you have given all us Bushes lotsa good opportunity, and lots of salacious food to eat and football, too, to watch on this day. We can’t ask you for much more than what you have already provided. But Lord, if you could see fit, if you could find your way clear to smote that Will Ferrell guy, I think the world would be a better place.
Now let’s eat. I want to get to see the Cowboys stomp Detroit. Jeez, for the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone would want to live there.
Jeb: Or in New Orleans, either, for that matter!
Laughter all around.
Amen to that!