If you put any two Americans on any random beach in the world which Europeans frequent, the first thing they will unquestionably comment on will be the awful fashion statement called the Speedo.
Meanwhile, if you put any two Europeans on any beach Americans frequent, the first thing they will comment on will be the size of an average American — whether they wear ankle-length Hawaiian-patterned trunks or not.
Island-hopping in Thailand this week once again made it clear to me that the entire global male population divides into two distinct teams:
1) Swim trunks wearers (primarily Americans, Brits, Australians and New Zealanders)
2) “Banana hammock” wearers (the rest of the world)
While swim trunks wearers are 100 percent certain they are the more fashionable team, team Speedo has its own set of anti-trunk arguments, namely:
- in the 21st century, why would men voluntarily wear a male burqini?
- trunks are for homophobes and men not comfortable with their manhood (often the same people)
- trunks are not as “hygienic” (harder to dry and more fabric to absorb bacteria)
- if women — even the obese ones — have to “bare all” on the beach, it’s only fair men should, too
- annoying trunk wearers generally carry about two pounds of sand inside their trunks into any public shower
- you get a stupid tanline
- don’t even try to wear trunks while showering in an Icelandic pool (read this, Americans)
But all of the above is nothing comparing to all the slang terms out there for speedos.
A two-minute internet search generates enough synonyms to keep any men’s magazine subscriber entertained for decades.
Without further ado, Speedo is also known as:
- Grape Smuggler
- Budgie Smuggler
- Marble Sack
- Banana Hammock
- Boner Suit
- Scrote Tote
- Nantucket Nad Bucket
- Sausage Sling
- Portuguese Pud Purse
- Ouch Pouch
- Cock Sock
- Nut Hut
- Peach Pit Papoose
- Shroud of Tool-in
- Lolly Catcher
- Junk Cozy
- Sausage Casing
- Daytona Dong Sarong
- Sperm Tourniquet
- Twilight Saga
- Brazilian Ball Bag
- Manberry Pudding Pack
- Miami Meat Tent
- Jugglers Box
- Saint-Tropez Truffle Duffle
- Bratwurst Bath Cap
- Pickle Pincher
- Weenie Bikeenie
- Sling Shot
- Grape Smuggler
- Scrote tote
- Mangina suits
There is more. But perhaps the best summary of how most English-speaking males feel about speedos is portrayed in this quite hilarious New Zealand commercial.
The central question is: How far away from the beach do speedos become undies?
The commercial comes up with a theory demanding that "underpants transformation areas" are 300 meters from water’s edge.
What do you think?